Tuesday, January 3----tightening up news sentences

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 
And next year's words await another voice.” 
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Welcome back....All material that I have received is up-to-date in the grade book.   There is a substantial amount of work that is late: quotation exercise and organizing a story in pyramid structure (December 20 /21) are two that stand out.  Get them to me TODAY, if you would like anything more than a 50. There are only thirteen days in this quarter left. 

We are moving along with the components of writing an effective news story, the goal being you shall write your own.   However, a little more preparation is in order.

Note that there is no midterm in this course. The last day for this quarter is January 23, as the next four days are exams. I will be back on the 23rd. 

Some review and practice

Please read the following review material on writing a good story. Take your time. This is followed by 20 sentences that are to be rewritten following this criteria. I apologize for some of the awkward formatting. 

1. The Five W’s and H: Before writing a lead, decide which aspect of the story – who, what, when, where, why, how – is most important. You should emphasize those aspects in your lead. Wait to explain less important aspects until the second or third sentence.  

2. Conflict: Good stories have conflict. So do many good leads.

3. Specificity: Though you are essentially summarizing information in most leads, try to be specific as possible. If your lead is too broad, it won’t be informative or interesting.

4. Brevity: Readers want to know why the story matters to them and they won’t wait long for the answer. Leads are often one sentence, sometimes two. Generally, they are 25 to 30 words. This is somewhat arbitrary, but it’s important – especially for new journalists – to learn how to deliver information concisely. 

5. Active sentences: Strong verbs will make your lead lively and interesting. Passive constructions,on the other hand, can sound dull and leave out important information, such as the person or thing that caused the action. Incomplete reporting is often a source of passive leads.

6. Audience and context: Take into account what your reader already knows. Remember that in today’s media culture, most readers become aware of breaking news as it happens. If you’re writing for a print publication the next day, your lead should do more than merely regurgitate yesterday’s news.  

7.Honesty: A lead is an implicit promise to your readers. You must be able to deliver what you promise in your lead.

What to Avoid

1 Flowery Language- many beginning writers make the 

mistake of overusing adverbs and adjectives in their leads.

Concentrate instead on using strong verbs and nouns.


2.  Unnecessary words or phrases: Watch out for unintentional redundancy. For example, 2 p.m. Wednesday afternoon, or very unique. (that is completely wrong!) You can’t afford to waste space in a news story, especially in the lead. Avoid clutter and cut right to the heart of the story.

3. Formulaic leads: because a lot of news writing is done on deadline, the temptation to write tired leads is strong. Resist it. Readers want information, but they also want to be entertained. Your lead must sound genuine, not merely mechanical.

4. It: Most editors frown on leads that begin with the word it, because it is not precise and disorients the reader.  Professional writers understand the need for clear, concise prose. 

1. Use an ACTIVE verb with a clear SUBJECT—put the subject first:

         An account was opened by Mrs. Simms----wrong

        

        Mrs. Simms opened an account- right

. 2. Squeeze long verb phrases into single ACTIVE verbs:

The departure of the fleet is thought to 

be conditional upon the weather....wrong

   
  The weather will determine the fleet's departure...right  

3.  Nominalization is changing a verb into a noun. 

In news writing this obscures the meaning of the sentence.

Examples: 

Sentences often start with a subject followed by a verb, and are easily understood according to this order.

 . Many children → experience worries when they go to school for the first time. right

The experience of children with respect to being at school for the first time is common. wrong

 Elephants → argue over small concerns, just like humans. 

right

Arguments over small concerns are something elephants have, as well as humans. wrong

4. Avoid overusing expletives at the beginning of sentences; they make your sentences too wordy. 

Examples: 

In most cases, concise sentences can be created by eliminating the expletive opening, making the noun the subject of the sentence, and eliminating the relative pronoun.

Wordy:

It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

(9 words)

Concise:

The governor signs or vetoes bills.

(6 words)

Wordy:

There are four rules that should be observed: ...

(8 words)

Concise:

Four rules should be observed:...

(5 words)

Wordy:

There was a big explosion, which shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

(15 words)

Concise:

A big explosion shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

Assignment : Due by midnight today.

Rewrite the following sentences, applying the above

reading. 

1. The decision was made by my boss yesterday.

1.  

2. Their motives were applauded by us, but their wisdom was doubted.

3. The meeting was coordinated by Doug in Paul's absence.

4. Even when the sun is hidden and the sky is speckled with stars, the heat lingers, hanging motionless in the air.

5. There were ten students in Mrs. Robinson's class.

6. It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

7. Controlling the quality and level of television shows that children watch is a continuing challenge to parents that they must meet on a daily basis.

8. Your figures were checked by the research department.

9. My recommendation is for a larger budget.

10. It is essential that we act immediately.

11. Please take into consideration my offer.

12. Our disposal procedure is in conformity with federal standards.

13. We are currently in the situation of completing our investigation of all aspects of the accident.

14. There are many women who never marry.

15. The fact of the matter is that machines merely amplify worker's abilities and exist only as they are able to do the bidding of workers effectively.

16. There are people that have the impression that Spanish is our first language, and English is a second.

17. There was a bonfire going, and some music playing in the background, but not very many people were dancing.

18. The point I wish to make is that the employees working at this company are in need of a much better manager of their money.

19. It is our hope that you will find these changes mutually beneficial for yourself and your students.

20. The impact of the shortage of paper in the publishing industry is that it is not a short term problem but will be with us for some time to come and can seriously affect the number of books produced by the industry.

1. 
   
2. .

Thursday, catching up

Many of you are missing assignments.  The next two days are for you to "fix" this.  Please utilize the class time to fill in those gaps in your grades.  

Send along your material.  Below you will find an interesting news article.  Who would've thought? And yes, all the words are spelled correctly.  Note the lead and pyramid format.

AND HAVE A WONDERFUL, RELAXING BREAK.

If you have any questions, e-mail me.

Swipe right? 'Toilet paper' for smartphones trialled in Japanese airport bathrooms

Japan has taken its reputation for hygiene up another notch with the introduction of “toilet paper” for smartphones inside toilets at Narita international airport.

In a new take on the meaning of public convenience, users are invited to pull off a piece of paper from a dispenser next to the regular toilet roll and give their phone screens a germ-busting polish.

The smartphone sheets, which bear the message “welcome to Japan”, were installed in 86 cubicles at Narita’s arrivals hall this month, according to the Mainichi Shimbun.

The telecoms company behind the service, NTT Docomo, said the option of an extra wipe would remain until next March.

The introduction of the cleaning paper came in response to studies showing that smartphone screens typically house more germs than toilet seats. Surveys show that foreign visitors are universally impressed with the cleanliness and versatility of Japan’s public toilets.

Japan may install toilets in elevators for earthquake emergencies

Read more

Toilets are serious business in Japan, where many public buildings are fitted with hi-tech washlets with heated seats and jets of warm water and air that the late restaurant critic AA Gill described as “strangely addictive”.

In some women’s public lavatories, users can call on assistance from the sound princess – a gadget that produces loud flushing sounds on demand to cover up any embarrassing noises associated with answering the call of nature.

Japan’s newest toilet models have a deodorising function that, it is claimed, can quickly eliminate unpleasant smells, and “intelligent” seats and lids that rise automatically depending on whether a male user is about to urinate standing upor settle in for a longer stay.

Incoming passengers at Narita are encouraged to read their smartphone sheets before they flush them away for details of Wi-Fi spots and other travel information, according to the Mainichi.

December 20 / 21 Tuesday / Wednesday organizing a news story

I'm still waiting for some of the quotation practice exercises from yesterday. Some folks really struggled with this. I'll post the correct responses tomorrow. 

All grades should be up-to-date; please check and resend any material that has not been correctly recorded.  Lots of empty spots!

Note that the following assignment encompasses two days and has two parts. Please send along as one unit.

* For those of you who sent along both parts of the two-day assignment, please check part 2. This is NOT a rearrangement of a list, but the writing of a news story. See example:

An 18-year-old SUNY Geneseo student was killed in a crash Tuesday afternoon, deputies say.

It happened just after 2:30 p.m. at the intersection of Route 63 and Court Street in Geneseo. According to investigators, a truck hit the side of a sedan. When deputies got on scene, they say they girl was trapped in the vehicle.

"It is pretty scary if you don't see the stop sign right away," says Kelli Sperino-Pease, Geneseo resident. "The trucks are coming down this road pretty quickly."

Sheriff Thomas Dougherty says the preliminary investigation shows that the 18-year-old pulled into the path of the tractor trailer. We asked if a car sitting at the stop sign on Court Street can easily see traffic coming north.

Enjoy your day :)

FIRST REVIEW THESE 6 RULES.

Take your time and note the examples. I hope these are familiar by

 now. Make sure to know the following terms: attribution, blind 

lead.

Rule #1: A straight news lead should be a single 

paragraph consisting of a single sentence, should contain no 

more than 30 words, and should summarize, at minimum, the 

most newsworthy "what," "where" and "when" of the story.

Example: "Fire destroyed a house on Main Street early Monday 

morning."

The lead is a single-sentence paragraph. Note, please, that a lead 

should be written in ordinary English, not the clipped phrasing

 reserved for headlines like "Main Street home destroyed in early 

morning fire."

 Headlines, which appear in large print above the stories they 

introduce, are written that way to conserve space.

It contains 10 words -- far fewer than the 30-word limit. Notice 

that the word count includes even little words like "a" and "on."

It summarizes the main "what" of the story, which is that fire 

destroyed a house.

It also provides the "where" of the story with the phrase "on Main 

Street."

Finally, it gives the "when" of the story with the phrase "early 

Monday morning."

Important note: There are some mental gymnastics involved in 

correctly conveying the "when" of a newspaper story. Suppose, for

 example, that today is Monday, and the fire happened this 

morning. You might be tempted to write the lead like this: "Fire

 destroyed a house on Main Street early this morning." And doing 

so would be just fine if your lead were going to be published that 

same day. But most newspapers get printed overnight and 

distributed the following morning. That means that a reader who 

picks up the paper Tuesday morning and reads that the fire 

occurred "this morning" will inaccurately assume that "this 

morning" means "Tuesday morning." To avoid this problem, you 

have to write the lead - and, indeed, the entire story - so that it will

 be accurate when read during the reader's time frame: "Fire 

destroyed a house on Main Street early Monday morning."

Rule #2: The lead's first verb should express the main "what" of

 the story and should be placed among the lead's first seven words.

Example: "Fire destroyed a house on Main Street early Monday 

morning."

The verb "destroyed" expresses the main "what" of the story.

"Destroyed" is the lead's second word -- a position that puts

 "destroyed" well in front of "Street," the lead's seventh word.

Again, notice that the word count includes even little words like 

"a" and "on."

There are no other verbs in front of "destroyed," so "destroyed" is 

the lead's first verb.

Following this rule will force you to quickly tell readers what the

 story is about.

Rule #3: The lead's first verb -- the same one that expresses the 

main "what" of the story -- should be active voice, not passive

 voice.

A verb is active voice if the verb's subject did, is doing, or will do 

something.

Example: "Fire destroyed a house on Main Street early Monday 

morning."

"Destroyed" is the verb.

"Fire" is the verb's subject.

"Fire" did something. It destroyed.

A verb is passive voice if the verb's subject had, is having, or will 

have something done to it.

Example: "A house was destroyed by fire on Main Street early 

Monday morning."

"Was" is the verb.

"House" is the verb's subject.

"House" had something done to it. It "was destroyed."

Rule #4: If there's a "who" involved in the story, the lead should

 give some indication of who the "who" is.

First example: "An elderly Murfreesboro man died Monday when

 an early morning fire raged through his Main Street home."

The "who" is "an elderly Murfreesboro man."

In this case, the "who" probably isn't someone whose name readers

 would recognize.

As a result, the "who" angle of the lead focuses on what things 

about the "who" might make the "who" important to the reader. In 

this case, it's the fact that the man was older and lived in

 Murfreesboro.

That's called writing a "blind lead." The man's name will be 

given later in the story.

Second example: "Murfreesboro Mayor Joe Smith died Monday 

when an early morning fire raged through his Main Street home."

Smith is the local mayor, and most readers probably will recognize

 his name.

As a result, the lead gives his name.

Rule #5: The lead should summarize the "why" and "how" of the 

story, but only if there's room.

Example: "An elderly Murfreesboro man died early Monday

 morning when fire sparked by faulty wiring raged through his 

Main Street home."

"... fire ... raged through his Main Street home ..." explains why the 

man died.

"... sparked by faulty wiring ..." explains how the blaze began.

Rule #6: If what's in the lead needs to be attributed, place the

 attribution at the end of the lead

Example: "Faulty wiring most likely sparked the blaze that 

claimed 

the life of an elderly Murfreesboro man last week, the city's arson

 investigator concluded Monday."

Attribution is simply a reference indicating the source of some 

bit of information.

In this case, the attribution is the phrase, "the city's arson 

investigator concluded Monday."

Generally, attribute assertions that represent anything other than 

objective, indisputable information.

Here, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that the man is 

dead, that his house was destroyed, that it all happened early

 Monday morning, and that he house was on Main Street.

But the arson investigator's assertion that faulty wiring caused the

 blaze represents the investigator's opinion (based, of course, upon

 his training and expertise - but an opinion nonetheless). Therefore, 

the assertion needs to be attributed to the investigator so readers 

can decide how credible the assertion is.

With the inverted pyramid, the guiding principle is that the most 

important (and most recent) information goes on top. As the reader

 progresses through the story, the information gets less and less

 important, and older. In an inverted pyramid story, the story is not 

told chronologically. Instead, we put the climax at the beginning.

 It’s the result that readers care about.

Sprinkle in a few key quotations from your sources, and you have

 — voila! — a classic inverted pyramid news story.

Why is the inverted pyramid so important to

 journalists? 

1.For readers:  they can skim the top of a story and know they 

have read the most important information.


2. For editors:  they can cut the bottoms off of a story and know

 they’re still saving the most important part for readers.

3. For writers: they have an easy way to organize their thoughts —

 from most important to least important.

Assignment: due by the end of class on Thursday. Note 

that there are 2 parts. Send both parts 

together.    Friday will be a make-up day for any material

 that is still owed.

Part 1: Below you will find a news story 

consisting of 15 paragraphs. (by now, I am sure

 you realize how short a news story paragraph

 can be.) Demonstrate your understanding of

 the inverted pyramid, by organizing the story

 from the most to least important information. 

Copy and paste the correct organization onto a

 word document.

Demonstrating the inverted pyramid

Iowa Dam Ruptures Under Torrential Rain By CHRISTINA CAPECCHI, Published: July 24, 2010 in The New York Times  PARAGRAPH 1  Rising waters washed out the berm, and large chunks of the road on the dam broke off. “It just peeled off eight-foot sections and dumped them,” said Shirley Helmrichs, the Delaware County supervisor. “The light poles started falling like matchsticks; they just started snapping over. You could hear this crunching, this rumbling. It was like the dam was just growling. PARAGRAPH 2 The vortex on the lake side of the dam shredded boats, docks and trees, Ms. Helmrichs said. “It just took seconds to shuck them through,” she said. “From perfect to tiny crumbs. PARAGRAPH 3 “All the entertainment was canceled,” Mr. Dirks said. “We have to come up with something.”  PARAGRAPH 4 ”Heavy rain ruptured the Lake Delhi dam on Saturday, sending a torrent into the Maquoketa River below and forcing the evacuation of hundreds of homes and vacation cabins in eastern Iowa. Officials estimated that 8,000 people were affected by the flooding. No injuries or deaths were reported. PARAGRAPH 5 .”Unrelenting rainfall — 15 inches in the past 48 hours, according to Jeremy Sands of the Delhi Fire Department — caused the early afternoon breaching of the 83-year-old dam. “The dam wasn’t unsafe,” Firefighter Sands said. “It’s just one of those acts of God.” PARAGRAPH 6 Ms. Helmrichs said she saw a house topple off its foundation. “It just tumbled down, slow motion, into the river,” she said. “It was just so eerie.” PARAGRAPH 7 At least half a dozen homes were swept away in the flood, according to another Delhi firefighter, Dennis Wilson. “There’s so much turbulence that it washes the soil away from under it, and the houses go with it,” he said. “We’ve never seen anything this wild.” PARAGRAPH 8 Warning sirens sounded in nearby Hopkinton, a town of 700, and Monticello, which has 3,700 residents. The waters reached thousands of acres of farmland and rose to record heights at several points. PARAGRAPH 9 Ms. Helmrichs estimated that 700 homes and cabins were evacuated. PARAGRAPH 10 The flood crested in Manchester, north of the dam, at 24.5 feet, clearing the record of 21.66 feet, set in 2004, according to Mr. Ryan, the emergency manager. “Doing disaster assessment is going to be a nightmare,” he said. PARAGRAPH 11 The flood became the main attraction at the Jones County Fair in Monticello, where performances by Styx and Joan Jett Saturday night were canceled. PARAGRAPH 12 Locals packed up and sandbagged, watching and waiting, while a sparse crowd of visitors milled through the muddy fairgrounds. PARAGRAPH 13 A section of earth about 125 feet wide and 40 feet deep gave way, said the Delaware County emergency manager, Mike Ryan. “It’s the worst damage I’ve been associated with,” he said. PARAGRAPH 14 At the Kathy’s Kettle Corn stand, Jamey Dirks, 40, said he sold about 30 bags of popcorn when he typically would have sold 500. He put up a sign: “Boat races Sunday 1:00 p.m.” PARAGRAPH 15 Gate attendants stopped charging admission by 4 p.m., and by 5 p.m., a booth selling $3 beer tickets was abandoned.

Inverted pyramid checklist: This is the rubric with which you will be graded.

a. Does your story begin with a solid straight news lead, one that meets all five of

 our criteria.

b.Is the story free of unattributed opinion?

c. Are the paragraphs arranged by order of importance? With background 


material generally relegated to the bottom?


d. Are there adequate quotes? from clearly identified sources? Punctuated 


properly?


e. Do the transitions work between each paragraph?

Part 2: Write a complete news story in inverted-pyramid form

based upon the following facts. Note how short the paragraphs

 are! Keep to the facts, but adjust to your own personal style.

 This is not an essay, but a news story!

• A female coyote was captured Thursday.

• The coyote had been roaming the streets of Lower Manhattan in New York City.

• A coyote captured uptown in January was set loose in Pelham Bay Park in the Bronx.

• By law, coyotes captured in the city must be released within the five boroughs.

• Officials at the parks department refused to say Friday where in the city they intend to release her.

• The city wants to prevent people from harassing the 30-pound coyote in her search for a more suitable habitat, said Vickie Karp, a spokeswoman for the department.

• “We pick the largest and most suitable natural habitat for the coyote,” said Vickie Karp, a spokeswoman for the department. “And for the sake of people, we’ll put the coyote somewhere with plenty of open space so people don’t have to say, ‘You parked him in front of my house.’”

• The coyote is being monitored at the Animal Care and Control shelter on East 110th Street, parks officials said, adding that the animal is resting comfortably in the and they did not know when she would be released.

• With the increase in coyote sightings in the past few years, several New York agencies have been working together to develop a plan on managing the population, said Kevin Jeffrey, a deputy parks commissioner.