Tuesday, January 3----tightening up news sentences

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 
And next year's words await another voice.” 
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Welcome back....All material that I have received is up-to-date in the grade book.   There is a substantial amount of work that is late: quotation exercise and organizing a story in pyramid structure (December 20 /21) are two that stand out.  Get them to me TODAY, if you would like anything more than a 50. There are only thirteen days in this quarter left. 

We are moving along with the components of writing an effective news story, the goal being you shall write your own.   However, a little more preparation is in order.

Note that there is no midterm in this course. The last day for this quarter is January 23, as the next four days are exams. I will be back on the 23rd. 

Some review and practice

Please read the following review material on writing a good story. Take your time. This is followed by 20 sentences that are to be rewritten following this criteria. I apologize for some of the awkward formatting. 

1. The Five W’s and H: Before writing a lead, decide which aspect of the story – who, what, when, where, why, how – is most important. You should emphasize those aspects in your lead. Wait to explain less important aspects until the second or third sentence.  

2. Conflict: Good stories have conflict. So do many good leads.

3. Specificity: Though you are essentially summarizing information in most leads, try to be specific as possible. If your lead is too broad, it won’t be informative or interesting.

4. Brevity: Readers want to know why the story matters to them and they won’t wait long for the answer. Leads are often one sentence, sometimes two. Generally, they are 25 to 30 words. This is somewhat arbitrary, but it’s important – especially for new journalists – to learn how to deliver information concisely. 

5. Active sentences: Strong verbs will make your lead lively and interesting. Passive constructions,on the other hand, can sound dull and leave out important information, such as the person or thing that caused the action. Incomplete reporting is often a source of passive leads.

6. Audience and context: Take into account what your reader already knows. Remember that in today’s media culture, most readers become aware of breaking news as it happens. If you’re writing for a print publication the next day, your lead should do more than merely regurgitate yesterday’s news.  

7.Honesty: A lead is an implicit promise to your readers. You must be able to deliver what you promise in your lead.

What to Avoid

1 Flowery Language- many beginning writers make the 

mistake of overusing adverbs and adjectives in their leads.

Concentrate instead on using strong verbs and nouns.


2.  Unnecessary words or phrases: Watch out for unintentional redundancy. For example, 2 p.m. Wednesday afternoon, or very unique. (that is completely wrong!) You can’t afford to waste space in a news story, especially in the lead. Avoid clutter and cut right to the heart of the story.

3. Formulaic leads: because a lot of news writing is done on deadline, the temptation to write tired leads is strong. Resist it. Readers want information, but they also want to be entertained. Your lead must sound genuine, not merely mechanical.

4. It: Most editors frown on leads that begin with the word it, because it is not precise and disorients the reader.  Professional writers understand the need for clear, concise prose. 

1. Use an ACTIVE verb with a clear SUBJECT—put the subject first:

         An account was opened by Mrs. Simms----wrong

        

        Mrs. Simms opened an account- right

. 2. Squeeze long verb phrases into single ACTIVE verbs:

The departure of the fleet is thought to 

be conditional upon the weather....wrong

   
  The weather will determine the fleet's departure...right  

3.  Nominalization is changing a verb into a noun. 

In news writing this obscures the meaning of the sentence.

Examples: 

Sentences often start with a subject followed by a verb, and are easily understood according to this order.

 . Many children → experience worries when they go to school for the first time. right

The experience of children with respect to being at school for the first time is common. wrong

 Elephants → argue over small concerns, just like humans. 

right

Arguments over small concerns are something elephants have, as well as humans. wrong

4. Avoid overusing expletives at the beginning of sentences; they make your sentences too wordy. 

Examples: 

In most cases, concise sentences can be created by eliminating the expletive opening, making the noun the subject of the sentence, and eliminating the relative pronoun.

Wordy:

It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

(9 words)

Concise:

The governor signs or vetoes bills.

(6 words)

Wordy:

There are four rules that should be observed: ...

(8 words)

Concise:

Four rules should be observed:...

(5 words)

Wordy:

There was a big explosion, which shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

(15 words)

Concise:

A big explosion shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

Assignment : Due by midnight today.

Rewrite the following sentences, applying the above

reading. 

1. The decision was made by my boss yesterday.

1.  

2. Their motives were applauded by us, but their wisdom was doubted.

3. The meeting was coordinated by Doug in Paul's absence.

4. Even when the sun is hidden and the sky is speckled with stars, the heat lingers, hanging motionless in the air.

5. There were ten students in Mrs. Robinson's class.

6. It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

7. Controlling the quality and level of television shows that children watch is a continuing challenge to parents that they must meet on a daily basis.

8. Your figures were checked by the research department.

9. My recommendation is for a larger budget.

10. It is essential that we act immediately.

11. Please take into consideration my offer.

12. Our disposal procedure is in conformity with federal standards.

13. We are currently in the situation of completing our investigation of all aspects of the accident.

14. There are many women who never marry.

15. The fact of the matter is that machines merely amplify worker's abilities and exist only as they are able to do the bidding of workers effectively.

16. There are people that have the impression that Spanish is our first language, and English is a second.

17. There was a bonfire going, and some music playing in the background, but not very many people were dancing.

18. The point I wish to make is that the employees working at this company are in need of a much better manager of their money.

19. It is our hope that you will find these changes mutually beneficial for yourself and your students.

20. The impact of the shortage of paper in the publishing industry is that it is not a short term problem but will be with us for some time to come and can seriously affect the number of books produced by the industry.

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